Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Doctor's appointment

Gentleman! Be warned, this post is full of estrogen and talking of girl parts.  Also, girly mushy emotional things too.  Read at your own risk.

I've contemplated for awhile whether or not I was going to mention in my blog as to why I had my doctors appointment planned.  I've decided that I will indeed explain it.  I don't like withholding information, I don't have anything to be ashamed of, and this is all apart of my journey and my life.

If you've read my weight loss story page, you'll know that I was diagnosed with PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).  With PCOS comes a myriad of complications.  I'm at a much much higher risk of developing diabetes, heart disease and cancers.  I have thinning hair, dry skin, and worst of all, is infertility.  I can eat healthier and exercise to reduce my chances of heart disease and diabetes.  I can style my hair in such a way that it's harder to tell how thin it is on top.  I can exfoliate and moisturize my skin like crazy.  But I cannot make myself have a baby.

When I was about 18 and still hadn't gotten my first period I knew that something was not right.  I was given birth control in order to get a period, but I was never talked to about the causes or the future of my (in)fertility.  Call it women's intuition, but I knew that things weren't right and I knew that I would never carry a baby.  I had accepted that fact a long time ago.  Then I met Daniel.

Dan wanted babies before we where even married! We married young, at 22 and ever since he's been wanting kids.  I've always had a good excuse to not get pregnant.  We didn't have the money, I was too fat.  Oh, I had a million excuses to not have children.  All of them valid, but I still didn't address the real issue.  (Don't worry, I warned Dan that I felt I was infertile).

Now we are in a great place financially, I have lost a significant amount of weight.  Now I'm starting to feel my age creep up and panic setting in to start a family.  We're at the right place in our lives and to be honest I think that Dan would make the best father ever.  I was quite alright with myself knowing that I couldn't have kids, but then I met a wonderful guy who would make a great dad and now I feel the "what if's" creeping in.  What if I could have a baby?

So yesterday we drove back to my hometown to see my doctor.  He explained to me how fertility drugs work, and explained when to take them.  He was quite shocked to find out that I don't get a period ever.  Even as a teenager I never had one.  I've had ONE that wasn't induced by medication in my life.  He was a bit concerned by that, but decided we'd go ahead anyways with the medication.  I don't start it for awhile yet, but it's on the agenda for later on.

Waiting for the doctor.  I was very very nervous.

We talked about the increased chance of multiple births (which honestly sounds like a blessing). Dan was so happy, and excited to get the ball rolling.  I've been stalling for awhile and I think he knew it.  To be honest when I got home I cried and cried.  I was okay never addressing the fertility issue because we where never ready.  But now that we're addressing it I feel like I have to finally face it.  I feel partially like taking medication is going to get our hopes up (again women's intuition that things are just not "right") and it'll just throw our dreams of a family out the window.  Who's ready to face that?

I wonder if the doctors office brings these out at Halloween?

I really thought I'd be excited, but I'm not.  When Dan talks about kids his eyes light up.  He would teach them how to shoot a gun safely, he'd make sure our little girl is a tom girl and take her snow boarding.  Who wants to break their husbands heart like that?  Not to mention, bearing children is a mark of womanhood.  It's so easy to feel broken and unfeminine when you're faced with infertility.  It's something only women can do, and I can't do it! Besides feeling unfeminine with my thinning hair, scaly skin and being obese lets just toss in infertility too.  

I know there are always people who conceive with fertility drugs, obviously that's why we're taking it! It's just hard when it feels like the odds are against you.  Women with PCOS have up to a 50% chance of miscarriage too.  It feels like the odds are VERY much against us.  I guess I refuse to be optimistic or excited because I don't want to get my hopes up, I feel like I already know the outcome and I'm wondering why we're going through the movements.

However, Dan is so excited it's adorable!  I know I'll warm up to the idea that the medication might work, I just need to mentally prepare myself for the long road ahead.  I need to really focus on being healthy, and doing what's best for me at the moment.

Last night Dan and I watched the Disney movie Brave.  We watched it in the theatre and I LOVED it, so when I saw it in the store I had to buy it!

When Dan and I watched it in the theatre he LOVED Merida.  Dan is a red head and he said he wants "a little girl JUST like that!".  So there we go, we must have a red headed girl or bust!  So says Dan!

It was hard to find a picture of his hair without him wearing a hat!  I think if his locks where flowing he'd look just like Merida!!  : D

I think Brave and Tangled are my two favourite animated films at the moment!

When I was at the grocery store the other day I decided to buy breakfast sausage rounds.  I wanted them for my birthday breakfast since I love breakfast sandwiches.  Well it turns out I open the store early for black friday on my birthday so a big breakfast is a bust (probably for the best anyways!).  So I enjoyed some for breakfast today!

Coffee, whole wheat english muffins, sausage rounds and poached egg whites. Looks like googly eyes!

I tried to find turkey sausage rounds but I don't think such a things exist.  So these are just plain Maple Leaf brand sausage rounds.  They're pretty hefty in calories, 100cal each!  Normally I like to have whole eggs for breakfast, but I just had egg whites to balance out my calories.  I must say this was a pretty decadent breakfast.  RIP birthday breakfast.

What are your favourite breakfast foods?  Personally I enjoy eggs Benedict, bacon, toast..everything greasy. I'm not much on sweet breakfasts.


  1. What a struggle!! You've already accomplished so much with your weight loss that you've proven you're strong enough to handle anything. I've not experienced any of it but I know that from what I've heard from others, it's a hard road, full of struggles... But I've known so many people who've found happiness in other ways... Surrogacy and adoption are wonderful things. I have a family member who's a huge advocate of fostering (only adoptable children), and is currently in the process of adopting her first little boy. They're so happy and thrilled, and it's really helped with the depression of not feeling like a woman because of infertility.

    Whatever happens for you, and whatever road you have to take to get there, I wish you luck! From reading your blog posts, I know you have the strength to get through whatever life throws at you.

    1. Thank you, I'm confident that I can handle it. It's just a tough and bumpy road to start down onto! For other reasons I'm not totally set on adoption or surrogacy. I would need to do more research, but at the moment I don't believe those are options for me. Maybe one day, though.

      Thank you for reading!

  2. Oh - and I'm with you on the breakfast foods!!

  3. Hey girl! What an absolutely honest post.
    One of my bestest friends has PCOS so I'm quite familiar with it.
    I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hope for the best as you take it one step at a time. <3

    I saw Brave in theatre and could not take my eyes off her HAIR!! haha SO cute!

    1. Thank you so much :)

      And yes, it's hard to not watch her hair the whole time!!

  4. I'm right there with you on the fertility issue. It's scary to think that you may never have children, but also scary to think that you will! Good luck and I hope that everything turns out exactly how you want it to!