Saturday, 14 December 2013


A year ago, if anyone told me about 2013 and what would happen I would never have believed them.  A year ago I was well on my way to becoming a healthier more athletic person.  I loved to run, I loved to blog, I loved my job and I loved my life.  For the first time in my life I was completely happy with me and what I was doing with my life.  I wasn't stressed about binge eating through Christmas holidays, I wasn't stressed about working in retail at Christmas.  I was happy and active.

On December 26th, 2012 I was working.  Boxing day is always hell to work, but I had a spring in my step.  The day was flying by, I was by the front door of the store I was working in greeting customers.  I worked in a video game store, and shortly before Christmas we had a giant statue delivered to the store.  For those of you who know video games, it was Connor from Assasin's Creed III.  That day we had customers filing in and out, many of them wanted photos with Connor.  I would use their phones to take their photos, so many of them where kids totally in awe of Connor.  The air was festive and fun and I was having a blast.  By the middle of my shift I started getting cramping in my left foot that wouldn't go away.  It lasted for almost an hour, eventually I had to leave work altogether.

From that day onward I couldn't work more than a few hours at work before my foot would cramp up.  I tried everything I could think of.  Wearing different shoes and socks, drinking more water, double checking my vitamins, I even cut out all artificial sweeteners trying to find the cause.  I ended up taking several months off of work.  I finally identified that the cold affected my feet and that staying indoors and keeping them warm where the only ways to combat the foot cramps and spasms.  One day after several months off of work I worked 4 hours then left because I could barely stand.  After I got home my foot spasms went away and I felt much better.  I went out to the mall with family, and partway down the mall my left foot cramped right up.  I had to drive us home in snowy, slippery streets during evening rush hour with cramped toes and feet.  I put my feet up and didn't stand up again for 6 hours.  After the six hours I tried to get up to go to bed and they started spasming again.  My toes wiggling all over the place all on their own.  The next day I could barely walk, my feet ached so badly.  Shortly afterwards I handed in my notice at work.  I couldn't do simple things without my feet being affected.  I had no idea when they would spasm or cramp, and no idea why they triggered  sometimes and not other times.

During this time I was also pregnant with William.  During the summer we ended up travelling a lot to a nearby city to go to a Women's hospital.  I didn't have any spasms or cramps all summer, but my feet felt like lead.  They felt heavy and unused.  You know that feeling you get in your calf, right before it cramps up?  My feet felt constantly like that until late August.  I was scared to go grocery shopping or to the mall because of that feeling.  I knew that if my feet cramped up, it could be hours before I could walk again.  When you're heavy and pregnant that's a scary thought.  (I mean, how could I go pee if that happened?!).  That whole summer I was traveling weekly or bi-weekly to see doctors.  Then in my own city I had to go to the hospital several times a week for monitoring.  It wasn't hard physically, but it was stressful.

William was born screaming on September 19th, and my feet where the last thing from my mind. I survived the summer with no spasming at all.  I naively thought that I was done with whatever that was.  I finally felt normal, taking my baby to stores and getting some walking in without feeling like a bowling ball was in my pelvis.  I could shop for baby items, it was freeing to get out of the house after having a complicated pregnancy.  

The first day it snowed this fall I decided it was a beautiful day to take William out in his new stroller.  My mom was visiting and wanted to go shopping, we decided to go to the mall.  It was fun walking around the mall, with my son and my mother.  We made it across the mall and into Target.  I needed bibs, it was right before Halloween and I was looking at bibs with Frankenstein on them for William.  My feet started with the familiar spasm.  Just a little.  Like if you where to stand and curl your toes while you stood.  But it kept going, even after sitting down.  My toes twitched and started wiggling around on their own.  I knew that if I left my feet too long that they would cramp up.  If that happened I knew I was in big trouble.  When my feet cramp, they usually stay cramped for upwards of an hour.  Even when I stretch them and put them in warm water.  It's agonizing.  If I try walking after a cramp, they instantly cramp up again.  My problem was that to get to my car, I would have to go across Target, across the mall, and to the very back of the parking lot where I parked.  Thank goodness I had my mom with me, other wise I would have called 9-1-1.  My mom got my car and brought it around and loaded us in.  It took me close to 20 minutes to shuffle my way across Target, stopping every step to gauge how the spasms where doing.  

After that I spiraled into a depression.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  My son was a month old, my hormones where all over the place and my own disabilities where shoved in my face and made scarily clear.  I thought I was over it and now they had shown up full force.  For about a week afterwards I was constantly full of dread.  What if William needs to go to the doctor?  I can't take him! What if we run out of diapers or formula? What if my feet cramp up at home? Then I couldn't feed him, or change him.  I could not take care of my son whatsoever. My worst fears where realized in my nightmares.  William would have an emergency in my dream, and I couldn't take him to the ER.  The roads would be bad so nobody could come help me.  The last thing a mother wants is to be unable to be there for their child.

After my feet acted up in Target they where super sensitive for awhile after.  If the lino in my kitchen was a bit cool my feet would get cold and start to twitch.  I would hop in the bath tub to try to combat it.  It made my depression so much worse to think that my feet could spasm and cramp while I was in the safety of my home.  Whenever my feet spasmed I thought that I'd be okay if only I got home.  But  now, if it happens here.. what do I do about my baby?  I literally cannot walk.  What would I do?

This past spring I saw my doctor numerous times about my feet.  He kept giving me time off of work, but no real answers.  Finally I badgered him into getting me an MRI to make sure it wasn't MS.  I also saw a Chiropractor and a Physical Therapist to make sure there wasn't something physically wrong with me.  This fall I saw a Podiatrist.  Every single one said that my feet are in perfect health, that whatever the problem is, is not with my feet.  

Whenever I tried to talk to people about my feet I would hit the same wall. 

"You just need to quit stressing, you're just making it worse."

"So and so had this EXACT same thing, and all they did was this treatment."

"My co-worker had this, this is EXACTLY like you!  She said you need to cut out sugar/gluten/etc."

"You're lucky you get to stay at home and Dan will support you!"

"Aww, that's too bad.  So when will you be better?"

"I don't see anything wrong with you."

"Just take time to rest."

On October 2nd, just 14 days after William was born I had my MRI.  It came back clean, but my doctor wanted to talk to me about it anyways.  At the appointment I talked to a resident doctor, and for the first time I felt like somebody was concerned for me.  For the first time, somebody didn't say to me, "You just need to calm down and quit stressing.  You're just making it worse."  She was quiet, and she listened to me.  She didn't cut me off, she didn't tell me to settle down and she asked me lots of questions when I was done talking.  So many people have told me to quit stressing that I was starting to think that maybe I was over thinking everything.  That maybe it was mostly in my head.  The resident pulled my doctor into the room and they bounced ideas around and asked me more questions.  They decided to contact a Neurologist and Cardiologist for me.  In the referral letters they even asked that if their waiting lists where too long, to please pass me along to a colleague of theirs so I could be seen sooner.

On the way home I watched the trees go by and my vision clouded from all the tears.  After more than 10 months I finally felt like somebody was taking me seriously and was concerned for me.  I told the resident how I cannot care for my son if my feet "act up", I told her how debilitating it was to not leave the house for weeks on end.  "I can't even go grocery shopping."  I told her.  She looked genuinely concerned for me.  I cried all the way home,  I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.

I now have to wait for the Neurologist and Cardiologist offices to call for appointments. Since then it's been an adjustment.  It's wintertime and I'm in northern Canada.  I do not leave the house unless I have to.  I am Williams main caretaker since Dan works 12-18 hours for weeks at a time.  I cannot leave the house "just to see" and then end up with my feet acting up, I can't afford that.  So I go weeks at a time without leaving the house. 

A few days ago I asked my Mother in law to buy Williams first Christmas outfit for me.  That request ripped out my heart.  My house is a prison.  I cannot buy my sons first Christmas outfit, or gifts for his first Christmas.  I cannot meet a friend for coffee, I cannot buy my husbands gifts, or even check the mail. It might not sound so bad, staying at home all day and not working.  I get to play with my son all day.  But it's hard, in fact it's harder than that.  I spent my birthday indoors except for a quick excursion to the mall that made me uncomfortable.  I can't go get my hair done, I can't go to the movies with Dan.  I can't even run on my treadmill because that triggers my feet.  My wings have been clipped.  I have the view from all the windows in the house memorized.

The worst part about this, is that it has no name.  I cannot join a support group and go to meetings.  I cannot say, "Hi, I'm Daphne and I have ____!"  I can't join a Facebook support group, I can't research it online for resources or help because it has no name.

I wish it had a name, so I could hate the name.  It.  I hate it.  I wish it had a name, like Cancer.  So when I told people I had it, they could show me some empathy.  A look of shock would cross their face, and they would understand maybe just a little.  They could share photos on Facebook that say, "I know someone with it.  It is debilitating, and life ruining.  I'm sharing this for them."  Or maybe there would be fundraisers, or campaigns.  End it!

I love my family and friends, but it has changed the way I interact with them.  When you don't leave the house for weeks at a time, you feel consumed by this thing that's confining you.  Every day that goes by you don't forget that you're in prison.  It's hard to remember that other people have lives.  It's hard to remember that they don't understand, that sometimes they say things to say that they're thinking of me, but I'm so twisted and consumed by hatred from it, that I feel like they're making light of my situation.  Occasionally I have friends or family asking me to meet them somewhere, and I want to shout, "How can you forget?! How??" Some will even ask when I am able to leave the house.  It's so hard to stay grounded and to remember that whatever is in front of me, isn't necessarily even on anybody else's radar.         

"How's your foot?"  I hate that question almost as much as I hate it.  With that little question it feels like everything else that's happening means nothing.  Like they're ignoring the fact that my prison doesn't exist. When someone has Brain Cancer, you don't go up to them and ask them, "How's your brain?"  Because we all know that Cancer is all encompassing.  It takes up their whole life.

Maybe these statements are clouded.  Maybe my comparison to Cancer is unfair, I don't mean to say what I'm going through is like Cancer.  My point is I wish people thought about what they say first.  People would hopefully think more carefully about how their empathy comes across when they talk to a Cancer patient.

My life isn't ruined.  I live in a decently warm home (my feet say otherwise).  I am able to stay at home with my son and not work.  My husband is my rock and the love of my life.  I am lucky in ways that truly  matter.  But I am still allowed to hate it.  

For now I won't be blogging.  Because exercise triggers spasms in my legs and feet I am not exercising, and keeping up a blog about what I did in my four walls is not that entertaining.  I will update perhaps when I see the specialists.  Until then, I truly wish you all well and I leave you with a beautiful picture of my son.  My little heart.

To reduce the length of this post I kept out a lot of details, including what exactly happens to my legs and feet.  It's a lot more debilitating than just foot cramps, it involves my legs and feet and a weird tick that I'm getting in my body.  Also know that I am getting treatment for PPD and it's doing wonders. 

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Welcome my little heart!

I would like to welcome our beautiful son to the world!  Born September 19th at 11:41 pm.  

William Atticus!
William Atticus.  7lbs 1oz, 19" long

At my 38 week appointment my Obstetrician checked me and I was 3-4cm dilated.  She was quite surprised and declared that I wouldn't make it to my due date.  She did a membrane sweep (separates your bag of waters from the cervix, which can kick-start labour) and she excitedly said that she hoped he would make an appearance that day.  Dan and I went out shopping hoping that contractions would start.  I was quite uncomfortable for most of that day and the following day.  It's hard to describe how I felt.  Achy, crampy and I had an intermittent sore back.  

The next evening I decided to sit on my yoga ball to see if that would kick start contractions.  I had again intermittent lower back pain, but it went away when I got up.  Little did I know that the back pain was contractions!  I thought I was just uncomfortable and maybe his head was hitting a nerve in my hips and back.  Eventually the contractions went away and the week continued on as normal, sometimes in the middle of the night I'd have a sore back but nothing alarming and nothing that made me think I was in labour.

On September 18th I went into the hospital around 10pm because I hadn't felt him move in a few hours.  I was monitored until close to midnight.  My obstetrician was around so she came over to talk to the nurse and I.  Her and the nurse joked that I would be in the next night to deliver since I had an appointment with her the next morning.  The nurse said, "Just wait until I'm on shift though!" 

On September 19th I had my 39 week appointment at 9:45 am.  My Obstetrician talked to me about setting up an appointment the following week for an ultrasound.  I've been having weekly ultrasounds to make sure my amniotic fluid stayed within a normal range.  She went into the hall and asked her assistant to book me an appointment.  When she returned she checked me she said, "You're 5-6cm!  You're in labour!"  She then ran to the door and shouted at her assistant to cancel the appointment since I was in labour.  She excitedly told me to get ready to head to the hospital.  She called the L&D floor while I was there and told them to expect me right away.  I was GBS+ so she wanted me in right away to have antibiotics started before my water broke on it's own since my waters where bulging.  She told Dan to drive carefully and to head in right away.  On our way out she said, "You're going to have a baby today!"

We went home and got our bags ready.  Dan was rushing around and obviously very excited and very nervous.  He was talking really fast and trying to shove things into bags and asking me a million questions.  All I could do was sit at the kitchen table and slowly go through my purse.  "What do I need?" I thought, "I needed my health care card, my credit card for parking.  Money for snacks so Dan could eat.  Should I bring a book?  Oh look, there's my lip chap and it's the good kind!"  I had to ask Dan to slow down because the last thing I needed was to panic.  Soon we where in the car and on our way to the hospital.

I was admitted in registration.  They asked the strangest questions, like if I wanted a pastor to visit and what religion I was.  I had to ask her to repeat several questions, partly because they where odd questions and partly because I was so distracted! Soon we headed upstairs to L&D and we passed through the OB Triage room.  A room where I spent a lot of time this pregnancy.  I had two NST's a week for most of the pregnancy after 24 weeks.  Some of the nurses knew me by name when I came in.  I could hook myself up to the monitors and I knew what all the buttons did.  But this time I went right through the room and out the other side where the deliveries happened.  They took me to room 6, which would be the room I stayed in until the baby arrived.  By noon I had a saline lock placed in my hand and an IV of antibiotics started and Dan went to get us lunch.

All afternoon we spent lounging around the room.  We either read, played on our phones or visited with my mom and sister.  I was checked throughout the day by my obstetrician the first time, around 5pm I was a "solid 6 cm". We decided to start labour with Syntocin (Oxytocin) instead of breaking my waters.  My doctor wanted to see how the baby fared during contractions since I've had such a difficult pregnancy.  So we started that going while I ate supper.  For supper I got to eat a fabulous supper of herbed chicken and strawberry shortcake! I was quite surprised by how good the hospital food was.

Eventually I sent my mom and sister to my place since I figured nothing would happen until either the wee hours of the  morning or later the next day, that was around 9pm.  I had received 3 doses of antibiotics and was at quite a high dose of Oxytocin and was still experiencing only mild back pain but nothing else.

At 10pm I was on the maximum dose of Oxytocin and  my Obstetrician checked me and I was 7 cm, but she decided to hold off on breaking my water.  There where three other women about to deliver and the nurses where all running around.  In the next half an hour we heard lots of screaming of women and babies crying.  Believe it or not it didn't scare me at all.  I was totally in denial that the baby was coming soon.  In fact I was reassured by how short the women's screaming lasted.  I thought, "that doesn't sound too bad."  I have no idea why I thought screaming didn't sound so bad.  Like I said, total denial.

Over the next half an hour the back pain picked up.  I could still talk and joke through it, but while it hurt I needed to concentrate.  It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either.  They where about 3 minutes apart and 30 seconds long.  It was the first time that we where able to actually time them since there was a definite start and end to the discomfort.  Dan would push on my lower back and that helped a little bit.  Mostly his touch was a great comfort.  The nurses wanted the contractions to be a minute long and two minutes apart though so I figured I had quite a long ways to go before things picked up.

At around 10:30-10:40 pm my Obstetrician came in to break my waters and to put a monitor on the baby's head.  When she checked me my water broke all on it's own.  I remember the nurse saying, "Did you break her water already?"  And the doctor said, "Nope!"  Dan said she used the hook anyways just to make sure it was totally broken.  Then they placed the internal monitor.  While they where doing that I was hit with my first big contraction.  It was much more intense than the other ones I was having.  I had to arch my back and breathe really hard to get through it.  Once It was done I told a nurse I had to get up off of the bed NOW.  So she got me a birthing ball to sit on to open up my hips and to move baby's head down.

Sitting on the ball was not a relief at all like I thought.  My hips started cramping up with each contraction and I immediately felt sick to my stomach.  Dan was trying desperately to take notes (I had him writing down when everything happened so we wouldn't forget).  I ended up yelling at him!  After each contraction I could feel baby's either head or hands moving around, it was the weirdest sensation.  I was worried that he was okay and that he wasn't too squished!  

Each contraction ended up being exponentially worse than the one before.  After about 15 minutes of painful contractions I was already in transition.  I had no idea how to deal with the contractions since they started so quickly and built up so quickly.  I ended up standing up for about 3 of them and screaming/shrieking through each one.  All of my labour ideas and coping exercises where out the door.  All of them where meant for when you had time to get used to the contractions.  These started hitting one right after the other and I remember thinking that I was going crazy.  I wanted to throw up and I was frantic to get back onto the bed to let my hips rest.  On the way to the bed I begged for pain relief.  I never thought I would, I thought I could tough it out but no way, I felt like someone was slowly peeling open my back and hips and using a saw to slowly pull out my bones.  They wheeled in gas for me to use at that point and I used it for about 2-3 contractions while I was standing but my breaths where too short and I didn't notice a difference.  Dan later said that it had a Darth Vader effect and all it did was muffle my screams.

I told the nurse that I felt the need to push.  It felt like she took forever to cross the room to the bed.  She said, "lets adjust the bed and then we will check you."  Before she finished adjusting the bed I threw myself on and I had a push contraction immediately.  She reached over to check me, then immediately ran to the nurse call button to call my doctor in.  Baby was on his way!  This was about 30-45 minutes after breaking my water.  They took the gas away from me then, they said the baby needed air.  I don't remember what I said, but I know I said a lot of not nice things to the nurse and tried to grab the mask away from her.

Right away my doctor arrived and the room was filled with nurses.(One of the nurses was the one from the night before who said I needed to wait until her next shift, apparently I did!)  I pushed for probably 15 minutes.  Right before he was born I heard Dan whisper, "Is that his head?"  and the doctor nodded and grinned at him.  That was enough to get me through, he was born two contractions later!

The first thing I thought of after he was born was, "Thank God, the pain is over now."  Then, "He's real?!"  Even up to that point I think I was in denial about having a real-live baby!  They had Dan cut the cord and they had to untangle the monitor from his head and then I got to hold him for an hour afterwards.  

For the whole hour afterwards I was wracked with intense shaking, which was scary.  I also was groaning and it was frustrating because it felt like I should be able to just stop shaking and making noises but they wouldn't go away.  I needed help holding William because I thought I was going to drop him!

William Atticus was born roughly one hour after my water was broken at 11:41pm and I laboured for around and hour and a half.  None of the contractions showed up on monitors unfortunately.  It was all back labour.

Taken about one hour afterwards

We had a rough start trying to breastfeed, and when people say that the first few days are rough they're not kidding.  I had only a handful of hours of sleep in the first 3 days.  I was so lucky to have so many excellent nurses taking care of us as well as my Mom and Dan who both stayed with me in the hospital.  We stayed an extra day and left Sunday the 23rd.

First car ride!

Today he is one week old and I still can't believe I'm a mom!  Maybe I'll never get used to saying, "My son".  He's a delight, when he opens his eyes he just quietly looks around and takes in the world.  He also knows my voice and will calm down from a crying fit if I sing to him.  I feel like super woman and I hope that works for while yet!

This pregnancy was hard, over 13 ultrasounds and around 25 NST's.  Extra trips to specialists in another city and now here he is.  He's real, he's alive and he's perfect.  I think I had convinced myself to not believe he was real since it was so scary.  He didn't kick much (at all really) during the pregnancy so I could go all day feeling just big, but not pregnant.  

I'm not sure when I'll get back to my regular posting.  Dan is home with me for another three weeks, then I'm on my own with this little guy which is pretty daunting.  I also have my MRI (finally!!) next week.  

Love you all, and thank you for being patient. 

Friday, 2 August 2013

Cafeteria meals

At our last appointment in the big city we where told that I'd have to get a couple of NST's (Non-Stress Test) a week for the next three weeks.  In three weeks they wanted to see me again for another ultrasound.  Since then I've had 4 NST's at the local hospital and have seen my Obstetritians twice.  I average about three different appointments a week.  Could be worse I suppse, the appointments are all easy.

The NST's require me to go register at the hospital, then I get to head up to Labour & Delivery Triage.  It sounds scary, but it's not.  Or at least it hasn't been for me.  For an NST they have you lie down while they strap monitors to your belly.  One is a fetal doppler to track baby's heartbeat, the other is a monitor to track his movements and contractions.  Then I hold this clicker and I click the button whenever I feel him move or kick.  They of course check blood pressure and temperature too, and ask a zillion questions.  But then I'm left to lie there and concentrate on baby.  It was scary at first, but now it's relaxing.  I can focus on his movements and in the background I hear the *womp womp* of his heart.  Sometimes I hear a loud *BOMP* from the doppler when he kicks it.  After awhile, usually 20 minutes they tell me whether everything is good or not and send me on my way if all is good.  I have no idea what happens if somethings not right, and hopefully I don't find out first hand.

Before my NST today I was in the hospital cafeteria having lunch.  I decided it was better to have food in my stomach rather than going in hungry and getting nauseous.  A pregnant womans stomach is a delicate thing!  I looked around and thought about a conversation I had years ago with a friend.  We had both lost weight and were sitting in a cafeteria having our uber healthy lunches and peering around at what others ate.  Be both agreed that we cringed everytime we saw someone who was bigger chowing down on unhealthy food.  Like we where better than them.  Back then I was so gung-ho about my weight-loss lifestyle that I wanted to tell everyone.  (Hey looky, I have a blog.. not much has changed!)  The difference between then and now is now I have an open mind.  Back then I would have looked at the white bread sandwich a bigger woman ate, and the accompying chocolate bar and would have cringed SO HARD.  I would want to shake her and say, "Don't you know what you're doing?!"  If you JUST ate a salad, or a sandwich on whole grain, or an orange you'd be..... What? What would she be?  Me? She would be who I would want myself to be.  She might end up skinny, or not.

Today I decided to eat a deep fried chicken burger on a *gasp* white bun.  It even had mayo.  I can hear former Daphne gasping and fainting at how cringe-worthy I looked.  A fat pregnant woman eating a chicken burger.  Didn't I KNOW what I was doing?  Well yes, of course I knew what I was doing.  I'm not a complete ding-a-ling!  And I bet the people I saw in the cafeteria years ago wheren't ding-a-lings either.  Whether they ate a burger, salad, sushi, or fries.  We all have a general idea of what's healthy or not.

A few weeks ago I was at my High School reunion and for supper one night I loaded up my plate with salad, cold veggies, dip and ham.  Someone said, "boy that looks.. healthy."  And I said, "Yup, have to keep up appearances."  and they said, "Yeah, I thought so."

I regret saying that so so much.  The reason I grabbed veggies and meat was becuase I had a lot to eat in the trailer before the meal.  Crackers in fact, I had crackers.  So in my mind "carbs" where covered for dinner, I didn't need any more.  I just needed vegetables and protein.  I don't want people to think I eat certain foods in front of others and different foods behind closed doors.  I also don't want people to think that they have to look like they're eating healthy.  There are a million reasons why people eats what they do, sometimes it's health related, sometimes it's mental, sometimes it's a complex combination.

For instance, my last birthday I was out for supper with Dan at a new restaurant.  We went to a restaurant where I couldn't track the Calories.  I ordered something that had sauces and gravies on it and mashed potatoes.  Who the hell knows what was in it.  Oils, butters, salt, and so on I bet.  I had wine too, actually half a bottle I think.  But anyone who looked on wouldn't see anyone losing weight.  They would see an overweight woman eating chicken, potatoes and vegetables covered in oils and gravies and downing wine.  I have no regrets about that meal.  I am obviously an admirer of good food, and that meal was delicious.  I would have ordered the same thing if I knew one of my blog readers, friends, family, whoever was with me too.  Because hey, why NOT?

Now, I talk a lot about binge eating and not finding excuses to binge eat.  A birthday is not a reason to binge eat.  Sure I ate food that wasn't "healthy", but I did not binge eat.  There is a distinct difference.  I didn't shovel it down my throat, and I didn't gorge myself.  When I was full I stopped eating.  I have no trouble eating the odd burger, pizza, alcoholic drink, chocolate and so on.  Personally I fit it into my food journal and then I move on with my day.

I hope I never come across as fake in that way ever again.  If asked if I'm showing off food wise I want my answer to always be no.  I like setting an example, and I hope I can do that without changing anything that I do already.  There's nothing wrong with enjoying any food in moderation.  And for me that means not bingeing.  

We are almost finished our nursery for our little dude!  I'm currently 32 weeks along, only 4.5 more weeks until I'm full term!  Panic is starting to set in.  I don't have any items for my hospital bag, no diapers or wipes, no food stores in the freezer.  Heck, I need to still clean the bathroom to put baby stuff in.  I only just finished decorating the nursery and crochetting a twin sized afghan.  

Here is the crib and changetable.  We're doing a dinosaur theme!  The mobile has little superheroes on it, and the grey blanket in the crib is one I crochetted a few months ago.

I very much dislike this photo of me.. but here I am in all my 32 week glory.. Very tired, swollen feet, and hips hurting!

Next week I go back for another appointment and hopefully *fingers crossed* the last appointment with Perinatal Specialists.  It's quite the show to get me there, and boy is it going to be entertaining to watch me get in and out of my little car which I am finding is getting lower and lower to the ground.  Or at least feels that way!

Thanks for sticking with me.  I promise there'll be cutesty baby photos by mid-October :)

Monday, 15 July 2013

Beans heart is okay, but now what?

If you've just stumbled upon my blog looking for weight loss advice please check out the side bar to the left, and top posts to the right.  It might also help to start at the beginning of my posts and read forward to current date.  I'm currently not updating as often, partially due to my pregnancy and partially due to other medical concerns.  I still check my email so feel free to email me at:  if you have any questions.  Or check out my Facebook Page!

Friday morning I had my appointment with the Perinatal Specialist to have an ultrasound done.  The ultrasound itself went rather well.  The Sonographer showed us Bean's foot was much bigger than at the 20 week ultrasound! (I'm 29 weeks now).  She also confirmed that he was no longer breech, which I could have told you after getting a few rib nudges!  He has gained 15 oz in the past two weeks which was pretty startling to hear!  And fortunately his heart looked good to both the Sonographer and the Doctor.  They did say that I have low amniotic fluid again.  It's very very low, 4.4 cm.  At this point in pregnancy an average woman has 14.5 cm of fluid give or take.  So again I have what's called Oligohydramnios.

The reason for it can vary.  Anything from my water breaking or leaking, to dehydration to baby's kidneys not working properly.  I am drinking as much water as I can a day, a minimum of 3 Liters and I get to go back next week for a follow-up appointment.  If there's no improvement I could be admitted.

There are real risks with low amniotic fluid.  My biggest concern is cord compression, facial deformities in the baby and the risk of baby getting stuck in the birth canal during delivery.  There is a reason why you need a certain level of fluid, that's for sure.  My biggest worry is not being able to deliver and having a Cesarean.  I want to avoid that as much as I can.

That morning was pretty stressful.  The Doctor sat us down and outlined a few things for us, and told me to pack a suitcase for my next visit.  I left the Hospital in a daze and spent a good while crying on the way to lunch.  I admit that all of these doctors appointments are getting a little hard to handle.  There's always something wrong it seems.  All I want to know is if I am going to have a healthy baby Boy at the end or not.

For Lunch I really surprised myself and didn't binge.  Believe me, when you're emotional, pregnant and you've just gotten bad news it's like a right to binge as much as you like.  Well  I didn't!  Dan and I went to Montana', which is a restaurant we don't have at home.  I got the coolest salad!

Grilled Chicken Watermelon Feta Salad

There where spicy pecans, watermelon, cucumber, feta, lettuce, chicken, balsamic glaze with a kiwi lime dressing!  How neat!  It tasted really good, the feta wasn't salty which would have ruined it in my opinion.  Unfortunately because it's a summer feature there was no nutrition information.  There where lots of pecans so I'm pretty sure it was higher in calories, but it was yummy!  

We spent the afternoon doing a bit of shopping, then headed back to the hospital for my afternoon appointment with the Fetal Echo Cardiologist.  They use an ultrasound machine, but instead the ultrasound is performed by a Doctor who specializes in Fetus' hearts and I'm guessing circulatory system too.  The first doctor had a really tough time seeing anything so he had to switch wands a few times.  Eventually he called in another Doctor to help him.  After about 15 minutes I started to get very hot and nauseous and sweating everywhere so I had to get up.  Once the second doctor took over it happened again but I also started getting panicky too.  It was a really terrible experience.  

I realized afterwards that during this whole pregnancy I've never had a Male doctor, and specifically I've never had a male doctor poke and prod at my stomach let alone two in the same room.  The first doctor had me hold up my stomach fat while he did the ultrasound.  Dan told me later that if he touched my skin he would stop and wipe off his hands every time.  I felt very very ugly and demoralized.  The second doctor was better but it still was a bit much to handle.

In the end they found nothing wrong with Beans heart and it was no longer skipping beats.  Either because I have cut out caffeine or because he outgrew it, they're not sure which.  So that means I still have to avoid caffeine until after birth just so it doesn't happen again.  Did you know that some forms of Tylenol have caffeine?  It's insane the amount of items have caffeine in them!

This blog has taken a serious turn from a weight loss blog to a personal blog unrelated to weight, fitness or nutrition.  I am still counting calories, it has wavered on really bad days and I have even binged on the worst of days.  It is stress bingeing absolutely.  This has been a stressful 7 months and my diet didn't go through it unscathed, however I'm so grateful for the healthy habits I already had in place.  Even if I didn't count calories for a whole day in my journal I was always mentally calculating calories, almost always picking smaller portions of "bad" foods, and noting how I felt emotionally before and after I ate.  

A few weeks ago I looked in the mirror and noticed that my neck and chin where bigger than a few months ago and I flipped out.  I haven't gained a ton of weight this pregnancy a little more than I would like but my occasional bingeing was as clear as the fat on my face.  That was the kick I needed to get back to writing in my journal everyday No. Matter. What.  

Remember how I mentioned my box, and how it was being replaced because of a broken jar?  Well it arrived today!

This is last months box, but the Chocolate Hazelnut Butter had broken open and there was oil and gunk everywhere so they replaced the whole box for me!  

Here are the Contents:
Hemp Hearts
Raspberry Lemonade
Freeze Dried strawberries and bananas
Chocolate Hazelnut Butter
Kind Granola Bar
Gummy Bears
Dried Mango
Dehydrated Plantain chips
Corn puffs
Coconut Cream and chocolate Bliss ball
Vitamin C Lollipops
Gluten free crackers

I've tried everyone of these items except for the butter and I like them all!  Dan and I are very interested in the Hemp Hearts.  They're high in healthy fats and protein and relatively low in calories.  They also have a nicer taste than flax and lower in carbohydrates too.  If you have kids the Vitamin C pops are delicious and pack 300% of your Vitamin C into one pop. 

These are the best kind of treats to get when you don't feel like going to the store! Instead you go to the pantry and you have to have something relatively healthy!  I hope to post more soon.  My July box should be in tomorrow!

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Pregnancy and self image and the box!

If you've just stumbled upon my blog looking for weight loss advice please check out the side bar to the left, and top posts to the right.  It might also help to start at the beginning of my posts and read forward to current date.  I'm currently not updating as often, partially due to my pregnancy and partially due to other medical concerns.  I still check my email so feel free to email me at:  if you have any questions.  Or check out my Facebook Page!

We had our follow up appointment in Edmonton last Wednesday.  This time I asked my mom to come with me!  I wish I had gotten pictures of the trip, but I completely forgot.  We got to ride in style in her convertible Mustang.  It's so fun cruising around in that thing!

We got into Edmonton and checked in a whole hour early for my Ultrasound.  It's first come first serve so I was the first one in!  We got a wonderful Sonographer, she talked to us the whole time.  She told us he was 1 lb 13 oz (I was 27 weeks), and when she went to look at his heart she said she had to wait until he settled down.  He was practicing breathing!  I just about died when I heard that.  I'm sure I said "AWWWWW" so loud other patients heard me.

I did have one time where I got nauseous from being on my back, and between her and the Perinatal Specialist they came back 3 or 4 times to do more ultrasounds during the hour to double check things. Let me tell you, my back was killing me by the time I got out of there!

Good news, his fluid level went back up, yay! But now they noticed that his heart is skipping beats every once in a while.  When I listened to the heartbeat during the ultrasound I noticed it sounds weird and not really in sync, but it's hard to tell that it's skipping beats.  So they sent me home with instructions.  No caffeine (boo!), No chocolate (this kills!), and to get a Non-Stress Test (NST) when I got back home.  Then I had to come back to Edmonton for several more appointments.  One with another Sonographer and Perinatal Specialist and one to get a Fetal Echo Cardiogram.

Dan and I leave this coming Thursday again for Edmonton.  If he does have a heart problem then it looks like we will be travelling weekly, if he looks okay then hopefully only one more trip after this next one for a check up!

This Wednesday I'm now 28 weeks and in my third trimester!

I've noticed in the last probably 2-3 weeks that I've felt really terrible about my self image.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to see my stomach grow and the numbers on the scale go up.  I mean, I've been on the diet-train for the better part of 5 years so anytime anything grows on my body and the scale goes up it sends out warning bells.  Maybe it would be better if I had a pretty pregnancy belly, but lets be honest here.  You can't go from 335 lbs, down to 225 lbs, get pregnant and expect to have a nice round tight pregnancy belly.  It's just not going to happen!  I am in my third trimester, 7 months pregnant and I *still* have loose skin on my stomach.  Namely my belly button.  It has this upside down V shape of skin over it still.  Like my belly button has a mustache!  Okay, it has a real mustache too... pregnancy does that.  But it has a skin mustache also.  Pregnancy is so damn beautiful, right?! Oh please..

I find myself not wanting to go out into public, which is something I found myself doing when I was bigger.  I didn't want people to see me when I weighed more.   I mean, how stupid does it look to see a morbidly obese woman out waddling past a fast food joint?  It's stereotypical and I hated it.  Now I'm starting to get into the same mindset again.  I feel because of my large arms and overall pudginess that never went away that I just look big.  I suppose I might look pregnant if I stick out my belly and rub it lots, or I just might look like I'm trying to rub it for good luck.

I find myself watching people now when I'm out in public to see if they look at me.  If they do I have my guard up and I have a whole list of nasty things I want to say to them in case they comment on my weight.  I used to do this when I was bigger too.  Sometimes people commented, mostly not. It always feels nice to have a good comeback prepared just in case.

I imagine waddling through the mall and some jerk will mention how fat I am, and of course I'm the heroine so I'll waddle over to him and say loudly, "Oh MY GOSH everybody this man has super powers!  This is Captain Obvious! He can point out a fat person a mile away!"  Or maybe I would shout, "I'm pregnant, idiot!" and of course they would cower away in shame.  And everyone would hate him and maybe a few people would shout mean words at him.

Most likely I'd get a lot of "what the hell?" faces and people trying not to look at us. 

So now I come to my box that I received in June! They do meals and they deliver snack boxes throughout Canada.  If you're interested in the Snack Box check it out here.  Before I show you some of the food, I must say that I'm impressed.  Both by what they ship and their customer service.  In my June snack box they shipped a jar of Chocolate Hazelnut spread that broke open and got everywhere.  Within 20 minutes of me emailing them, they had emailed me back and promised to replace my entire box for free.  Very prompt customer service!

The food is pretty awesome too.  My first box and "like" items.  Such as Salsa, chips, soda and cookies.  This month it had lots of dried fruits and chocolate.  Now you only get a regular sized item, not family sized.  For instance you will get a regular sized chocolate bar and just one.  So it's good for maybe a family who splits the boxes or a couple.  Or heck one person.  But if you all want a chocolate bar then you're a little hooped!

Item Number One!

Bliss Balls! If you like chocolate and coconut.. well then I don't need to say anything more.  It's chocolate and coconut!!  And they're gigantic.  If I remember correctly it was pretty high in calories, 280 but you got a whole lot for those calories.

It's huge!

The great thing about snack boxes is that they cater to your diet.  So a lot of what they send is gluten free.  I know a lot of people have gluten sensitivities so this would be a fantastic treat.  A lot of their foods are Organic, All Natural, Non-GMO, Vegan and any other "healthy" label you can put on them. However the food is all genuinely good.  There has only been one item so far that I've disliked.

Item Number Two! 

Pirate's Booty!  These are gluten free as well.  But they are made with corn.  Some people don't mind, some do.  They're really low in calories, I believe 130 calories for the 28g bag.  They also have different flavours like Aged White Cheddar.  The flavour wasn't too bad.  I think a different flavour would be tastier than "Veggie" but overall I liked them.  The only thing is you can only buy them in stores in the USA and online.

Today Dan and I tried freeze-dried fruit that came in the box and it was fantastic!  It was not chewy like dehydrated fruit, it was crispy!  He tossed some onto his cereal and said that if companies used fruit instead of marshmallows in cereal he'd buy it.  PLUS it's healthy, it's comparable to dehydrated fruit nutrition wise.  I'm on a mission to find more and add it to our meal plans.

I hope you all had a lovely Canada Day or Independence Day depending on where you're from.  (And to my overseas followers.. I hope you had a lovely June and not rainy beginning of July!)

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Baby Bean is a....

If you've just stumbled upon my blog looking for weight loss advice please check out the side bar to the left, and top posts to the right.  It might also help to start at the beginning of my posts and read forward to current date.  I'm currently not updating as often, partially due to my pregnancy and partially due to other medical concerns.  I still check my email so feel free to email me at:  if you have any questions.  Or check out my Facebook Page!

I'll give you all good news first!  Our beautiful baby "Bean" is healthy and well!  I was told to bring a bunch of extra clothing and to be prepared to stay for awhile.  So I did.  I brought a whole mini suitcase filled with stuff I might need.  

When we got to the women's hospital I had to fill out some paperwork and sit and wait for awhile.  Maybe an hour at most.  The hospital was beautiful and huge and so many windows.  I had so much to look at just looking around, you can tell I'm used to our small local hospital.  When we where called in we where told that Dan could stay for the entire ultrasound which was a treat!  Usually they just call the husbands in afterwards and give them a little tour of the baby's landscape.  This time he got to see the sonographer measure arms and legs, and so on.  Afterwards a doctor came in and told us that although the fluid was still low that our baby was perfectly healthy and he didn't see any reason to be concerned.  He did ask that we come back in two weeks for another ultrasound to double check that everything is still going swimmingly (ha!).

We did some baby shopping afterwards at Babies 'r' us since we don't have one where we live and I've been dying to go there!  We bought a high chair, a stuffed toy, some crib sheets and a mobile.  We also hit up the Disney store and bought a little Tigger onesie with a matching hat!  Buying things in a bigger city is so much fun!

The car ride was absolutely the worst part.  After about half an hour in a vehicle my legs start to either ache or fall asleep.  After an hour I have to get out and walk around for about 10 minutes or so.  It rained for most of the way so it was a pretty miserable trip in that sense.  Hopefully I'll be in a roomier vehicle on my next trip down so I get more leg room.  My car is cute, but cramped.

On Monday we had our gender reveal BBQ!  We've known since May 8th what the gender was but we where waiting for another ultrasound to confirm what we saw.  Since all the ultrasounds  where fuzzy and not very good we where a bit hesitant that the first ultrasound was correct.  Well it seems that Bean wanted to hide his heart, head size all that fun stuff, but when it came to between the legs he was more than willing to spread 'em all three times!

We had a small BBQ with our parents, siblings and a few very close friends.  Afterwards we brought out cupcakes for everyone to have.  Inside revealed whether it was a boy or girl!

It's a boy!

When we had our first ultrasound the sonographer brought the wand down for the gender shot and said, "and here are the boy parts!"  I was completely shocked!  I don't even think I said anything.  I didn't cry or anything.  I just laid there with my belly exposed and I was thinking... "I'm growing a penis?!"

Yes, that's exactly what I thought.

Now that the shock is over I'm so so excited!  I had always planned on a dinosaur theme for the nursery.  I found some stuff on etsy that could work for either a baby boy or girl.  (Think pink dinosaurs with bows or blue dinosaurs).  So this solidified the dinosaur theme.

On the left is the baby blanket I crocheted, and in the center is the dinosaur I bought as babys first new stuffed toy.  On the left is a blue dinosaur blanket.

All of the old wives tales pointed to boy, except for the Chinese baby predictor that one said girl.  So Dan had guessed boy and I had guessed girl.  Mostly because girl stuff was more fun to look at!

I have a post planned about this new food subscription I found online.  I was really hungry and full of pregnancy cravings in the middle of the night about 3 months ago and I found a place online that ships you food to your house once a month.  Most of the food is either Organic, gluten free, healthy etc.  Most of it is made in Canada also.  Unfortunately it's not available outside of Canada, but so far I've gotten two months worth of snacks and they're all awesome!  I'm hoping to get the post up tomorrow. is what it's called if you want to check it out in the meantime.

Thank you all for sticking around, I have been terrible with posting and have been completely preoccupied with baby stuff.  If I'm not doing baby stuff then I'm either trying to spend as much time with Dan since he worked like a dog all winter, or resting.  I start my third trimester soon and I've been getting tired!

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Baby Bean is swimming in the reeds!

If you've just stumbled upon my blog looking for weight loss advice please check out the side bar to the left, and top posts to the right.  It might also help to start at the beginning of my posts and read forward to current date.  I'm currently not updating as often, partially due to my pregnancy and partially due to other medical concerns.  I still check my email so feel free to email me at:  if you have any questions.  Or check out my Facebook Page!

**First things first!  I'm happy to say that I did an interview at How I lost 100 and it's been posted!  Please check it out and leave comments over there!  I think the interview did a good job of summing up my weight loss experience and my outlook.**

This past weekend I had an awesome time at my 10 year high school reunion.  YUP! 10 years!  I can barely comprehend that amount of time passing.  Maybe because I see many of these people on Facebook often so 10 years seems so crazy!  It was really nice to see some people and to see where they are and to see their kids as well.  It was also interesting to see everyone is still friends with the same people!

I had a handful of people mention my blog (Hi guys!) and every time it startled me.  Oh yeah, I have this big personal thing out on the internet for everyone to read!  Sometimes I forget that people I know actually read it.  It's easy for me to see international readers and forget about these people close by reading too!

Last Wednesday I had my third ultrasound at 24 weeks.  My 20 week ultrasound was okay, but they couldn't get as many photos of the heart as they needed so thus needing another ultrasound.  Well the ultrasound was really quick and she called in my husband right away to show us our little Bean squirming around.  It never gets old!  She said the photo quality this time was much worse than last time and recommended that we don't get photos at all.  She showed us the arms and legs and I remember thinking that the baby looked so squished!  I thought that babies didn't start running out of room until well into the third trimester.

We went home afterwards and Dan went off to work.  I got a call a few hours later from my Obstetrician (Pre-natal doctor) telling me to head into Triage on the Labour and Delivery floor of the hospital.  The ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid was too low and they had to make sure my water didn't break.  I asked when I had to go in, and they said "right now, your Doctor will meet you there."  They certainly made it sound serious!  Serious enough that my doctor would meet me there right away!

I left a message on Dan's phone and then headed in. I registered and headed into triage where they strapped a monitor to my belly to make sure I wasn't having contractions (uhh what?!) and they quizzed me about contractions and if I noticed my water breaking.  Then they used a doppler and listened to baby's heartbeat a few times.  Then I waited about 30-40 minutes for my Doctor to arrive.

Right before the doctor arrived Dan showed up.  I think he practically ran to the hospital!  He was sweating and in work clothes and had a pretty wild look to him.  My text message to him was pretty vague I found out, oopsies! Blame it on baby brain!  So my Doctor showed up right away and she tested to make sure my water didn't break or that I wasn't leaking fluid, which I wasn't.  She then let us know that she's been contacting the Perinatal specialist in Edmonton and that they will call us within the week to let us know when to come in for monitoring (uhh what?!).

On Friday (two days later) we had our regular appointment with my OB and she again explained the low amniotic fluid.  In her words she just said it was "Very low".  And that in our city and in her practice she's not equipped to diagnose why it's happening and that our ultrasound techs are trained to do ultrasounds for everything and not specifically trained for pregnancies.  So she's sending me to the big city to get an Ultrasound and check-up done by people who do it everyday.  It's a little frightening, but she reassured me that it's my best option at this point.

I did a little googling and found that very low amniotic fluid is more rare, especially this early.  Affecting only 4-8% of pregnancies.  There can be a few reasons, sometimes it's dehydration and sometimes it's the baby's kidneys not working properly (which is not good).  Sometimes they don't know the cause.  In a worst case scenario we have to deliver the baby early, which my OB told me this hospital is equipped to do. (Yikes again!).  I'm not ready to deliver, but I am ready to do anything necessary to help my baby out!

So tomorrow bright and early Dan and I are heading into the city.  We hope to be home by Thursday night if all goes well and I hope to provide updates by the end of the week!  I really hope they can get some good photos for me to take home and to show you guys too!

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Baby Bean and a trip to the mountains

If you've just stumbled upon my blog looking for weight loss advice please check out the side bar to the left, and top posts to the right.  It might also help to start at the beginning of my posts and read forward to current date.  I'm currently not updating as often, partially due to my pregnancy and partially due to other medical concerns.  I still check my email so feel free to email me at:  if you have any questions.  Or check out my Facebook Page!

Don't worry friends, I haven't forgotten about a single one of you.  I guess I had decided to put my blog on hold and just not tell anyone that.  I find that if I focus inward I do fantastic and when I start to focus outward  such as writing a post I start to just feel out of place.  Not exactly sure why, but that's the way it is.

Don't worry, I've been doing much better. At the end of April Dan and I went to to the mountains and spent a few days there.  The days leading up to the trip where nerve racking.  I still wasn't leaving the house on my own.  I never drove anywhere, nothing.  I found that if I did go anywhere with Dan that I tired easily and my foot and leg would spasm without much notice, so we'd have to rush home.  So as you can imagine it was scary to think of sitting in the car for hours, then trying to limp my way up stairs into a hotel room.  If I even made it that far.  Then I was scared I wouldn't be able to leave the hotel room the whole trip.  

Dan was a sweetheart and spent a whole evening calling different hotels and found one that had a main floor room (no stairs for me to worry about) with a nice view.  That way it'd be easy for me to get in and out of the room, and if I couldn't leave the room at least I'd have a good view for our stay.

It turns out the trip did me wonders!  I was much less stressed out when Dan was around, so I did a lap around the hotel parking lot with him clutching my hand.  We took a drive through the mountains to a glacier and we stopped along the way so I could get out and stretch my legs and I would walk up and down the road a little on my own and it was fantastic!  I wasn't too adventurous, but I was used to clutching Dan's hand and limping everywhere.

By the time we made it back home from our trip, the sharp pains and electric shocks in my legs started going away day by day.  I'm not sure if I just needed to stretch my legs more and walk around or what exactly.  I still get deep aches in my calves, but I think that is more pregnancy related .

Since then I went to the grocery store with Dan twice and gone out several times baby shopping with him.  Yesterday I did my first unaided grocery shopping trip all by myself!  I really really missed being mobile and independent.  Mentally I feel much better.  Unfortunately I had to quit my job.  But I think even short work shifts would have been too much too soon.

On May 8th we had our anatomy scan on baby Bean at our 20 week appointment.  The baby was turned towards my spine so they couldn't see the heart very well, so we go back on Wednesday to get another ultrasound done.  I'm actually very excited to have another ultrasound done!

I've begun feeling lots of twitches and kicks too.  The baby loves jumping off of my bladder especially.  It's also interesting that baby seems to be active for a little in the morning, then very late at night.  Like after 11 pm if I'm still awake.

My 23 week photo.  I also have weird claw-hand going on!

So far my Obstetrician still has no concerns about my weight gain, but I see her again next Friday.  I have gained slightly more than "goal" so we'll see if it's becoming an issue.

It's weird to think that in less than a month I'll be in my third trimester already! We all know the first trimester was utter hell for various reasons, the second trimester really is turning out well and now hopefully the third will go well too.  We already have part of the nursery set up, and I plan on getting photos of the nursery once we have more done in there.  We where gifted a really wonderful glider, and we found some furniture on sale so we're doing fantastic in that area so far!

Thank you all for your kind emails and comments lately.  It's nice to know that it's okay to take a break and that I'm not disappointing anyone.  Like I said above, feel free to email me or even drop a line on my Facebook page!

Monday, 8 April 2013

The fog is rising and plans are formulating

The past few days it feels like I have pulled my head out of the sand.  I've been looking behind me and what has been going on the past few months and I'm just in awe with how much I shut down mentally for awhile.  It probably seethes through my posts, but that's okay.  We're all human and when rough patches hit, some of us just go into ourselves for awhile.

Some of you might know, and some of you might not know that I react badly when I go through a hormonal shift.  When starting new medication for PCOS I was given pills that where under the "birth control" label, but where a much stronger mix of hormones meant to deal with the severity of my symptoms.  I know it's normal to go through about 3 months of emotional "crazies" when you start new birth control pills, but these sent me wwaaayy over the edge into crazy-dom.  I couldn't be happy, I was either raging with anger, paranoid, or sad.  If I was happy, it was manic and quickly changed into another mood.  After that I was put on low-dose pills and even those gave me a hard time sometimes.

So now here I am, 15 weeks pregnant and it's been so SO tough to keep emotions in check.  First I was angry at the world for being unable to work, for the doctors not taking me seriously and it seemed like not a damn soul cared that I was lying at home, practically immobile.  You know, except for a few mom's because that's what they're for!  Then I just got sad, sad that I still couldn't work, sad that people kept asking me when I could go see them.  Sad that I couldn't leave the damn house by myself or without Dan, and sad that I couldn't be a "proper" wife for my husband.  Then I was getting irrationally sad when Dan went to work.  He's been my number one support, and he's been working an average of 14-18 hour days, plus helping me around the house.  I was sad that he had to do that, and sad that he wasn't around to keep me company and help me out of the house.  Sad sad sad.  Looking back, I don't blame myself one bit.

I still don't leave the house without Dan, I still can't exercise, I still have days where I can't even wash dishes.  But for the past few days the fog has lifted and I am starting to feel ambitious, and looking forward to the future instead of afraid of it.

I'm so grateful for the visitors that I have had.  Every single member of my family has come to visit me at least once.  Some had to travel across the width of the province to do so, and I'm so grateful.  They've all seen me cry, and they've all comforted me and for that I'm so grateful to have a family to rely on. I think I would have gone crazy and would have been worse off it it wasn't for those few visitors.  Waking up to find Dan gone for the day, and going to bed with him still gone wore me away.

For the past few months I've been a bit rickety with my food journal.  I did track a bunch of whole days, and other times I did not, and tried to eat according to what my body was telling me.  I found that to be helpful when I had lots of morning sickness.  I knew if I tracked calories I would get so discouraged by how much I was consuming just to keep from being nauseous.  Needless to say I ate nothing but carbs for pretty close to a month.  I'm also glad I didn't work during that time, I would not have been able to do my job properly!

Now that the majority of my morning sickness is gone, I feel much better about my eating habits.  I've obviously been tracking again in my journal and have been doing my best to make healthy choices.  I've found that I only had cravings during the first trimester, especially when I had morning sickness.  I would prefer not to have any more cravings for the remainder of this pregnancy! (Although Feta cheese is my new love, seriously!)

Dan gave me a fantastic idea to research pregnancy friendly recipes to share! Specifically recipes high in Calcium, Vitamin D, Iron, Magnesium and Folate.  And for the women with morning sickness, maybe a recipe or two with ginger? Haha! I even have an idea about "healthy" chocolate recipes since chocolate and sweet things seem to be a popular pregnancy craving!  I know I had my plan to make new recipes with new-to-me vegetables.  I'm officially tossing that out the window.  My plan is to switch to easier to make recipes to be beneficial for my pregnancy.  Easy to make because I still can't stand too long in the kitchen for now.

Tomorrow Dan has a blessed day off and if I'm feeling well enough we will be going to find me some maternity clothing!  I'm so excited, I have two pairs of casual yoga style pants and one pair is waaay too small.  All of my jeans now require elastic bands around the button to be worn! I'm happy none of my shirts are tight yet though!

I also got my first baby item from one of my friends!  They're done have kids and didn't need their car seat any more, so I got it!
I'm tickled pink by it! And so astounded that someone could just give us such an expensive gift!

And now, since I love photos in my blog posts, I have a photo of me and my baby..bump? :D
This might not look like much, but there's a bump there! 15 weeks!

This blog post from Holly really resonated with me today.  I've done this cycle of eating myself numb and finally days/weeks/months later pulling my head out of the sand and realizing that it needs to stop.  If you fall into that cycle, you might find her post inspiring!

Thank you all for sticking around, I know that a blogger who rarely blogs is pretty boring.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Easter weekend

I hope everyones Easter was fantastic! I had an absolutely fantastic week!

Dan had his scheduled days off at the beginning of the week, and then he ended up getting Saturday and Sunday off because there was no work to do! He got pretty anxious by Monday mid-morning wondering what the heck was going on, but a quick phone call to work confirmed that he would be working later that day.  They're on to night shifts right now, since the roads are un-passable during the day due to mud.

My brother decided to come and visit me for the weekend and showed up Friday and stayed until Sunday.  When I told my mom I was so thrilled to have people over for Easter she decided that she'd like some turkey too.  So I had over my brother, his friend, Mom, Step-dad, my sister, Dan and two doggies for Easter! I thought I'd be all alone, so this was a fantastic treat!

Unfortunately I forgot to take pictures of the feast, but we had made two Butterball turkey breast turkey ma-bobs, stuffing, potatoes, carrots and mom brought over three THREE pies! It was a feast to be-hold! I'm just wishing I had paper plates!

Health wise I feel okay.  I went out to dinner just over a week ago with my mom and I couldn't make it through dinner.  My leg starting jerking around and lifting off of the ground and my toes starting wiggling on their own and spasming.  When that happens I know I need to lie down and put my foot up ASAP.  So I had to ditch out of supper (I literally ran out of the restaurant!) and sit in my moms vehicle until they where finished eating.  I put my foot up for the rest of the night, but I still had occasional spasms and jerks in my leg and foot for a few days afterwards.

Right now I'm usually okay doing a few things around the house.  I can usually do the dishes and make a meal or two.  If I still feel good then I can usually tackle a load of laundry or tidy up a bit.  Unfortunately I can't do any more than that.  I get a deep ache in my foot and I know that if I continue it'll feel like my whole foot will cramp up or the spasms/jerks will start.  I haven't heard back about my X-Rays or blood work, so I assume they're fine.  However I'll be making an appointment soon to ask my doctor what's next.  I've only left the house once this week with Dan, and quite frankly this is pretty inhibiting.

Yesterday Dan and I where hanging out before he had to go to work and we got a knock at the door and we found a package on the doorstep.  I ordered a Fetal Doppler and it had arrived!  For those who don't know, the Doppler allows you to hear your baby's heartbeat and this one even allows you to record it onto any device that has a line in.  We tried for probably 40 minutes and didn't get anything at all.  So I decided to have lunch and try again.  Within 3 minutes we found it!  It's so neat to hear your baby's heartbeat!  We heard a sweet little whomp whomp whomp!  Of course I bawled my eyes out!  Sometimes it's hard to remember there's a baby in there!

So anyone remember me saying how I love The Game of Thrones?  Well I didn't have a big premiere party/supper like I wanted.  But I did make an awesome soup!

Bean and Bacon soup

A lot of the dishes in the cookbook where.. weird.  Like snake, locusts and so on.  Some sounded great but included making dough, which I'm terrible at.  Seriously 80% of the recipes where a pie or tart of some sort!  I decided on this soup because it sounded good, and easy to make.  Im contemplating changing up the ingredients to make them healthier, but overall it was a fantastic soup!

I really wanted to make more recipes.  I had so many pages marked but I just ran out of energy and my foot was killing me by the time I finished this recipe even though I had Dan help me make it.  I have a sauce in my fridge for making Honey fingers, but I've yet to get up the energy to make the dough to finish them.  It's taking me a few days to recover from such an active weekend.

What else have I been doing?  Well Dan and I started our baby budget and have scoped out a few cribs we want and other furniture.  I've been looking up baby onesies like crazy, but very few cute ones come in a unisex colour, so I'm going to have to wait until our gender scan to buy clothing.  Besides that I've been watching endless amounts of X-Files and I have been working on old crochet work.  I'm currently working on a big afghan as practice for when I start my baby blanket for our little Bean. 

So despite the fact that I can't do much, I have been keeping busy!  Thanks everyone for the continued awesome comments!

Friday, 15 March 2013

Morning sickness and food cravings!

Thanks everyone for your well wishes!  This past week has been slow, but very good.  After my Obstetrician appointment last Friday I started getting twitches in my left food and leg and had to rest for most of this whole week.  I'm usually good if I rest for a few days, and then only run one small errand, then rest again.  Otherwise it's like my left side gets too "worked up" and I get twitches that are very annoying.

On Monday morning we headed to the hospital for more blood work and tried to rest for most of the day afterwards.  Tuesday morning we headed back to the hospital for the x-rays on my left foot.  Normally I would have done both in one day, but I needed to rest in between.  

Getting the X-rays done was interesting! They covered me in one large lead blanket, then had a lead board by my butt, and another circular shaped one that hooked around my leg to catch areas the other two missed.  They meant business! 

It's very interesting getting pregnancy cravings, food aversions and morning sickness.  I've decided that the food aversions and cravings are directly related to the morning sickness.  When I take my prescription for morning sickness I feel perfectly fine and have no cravings and no aversions.  But if I don't take it, I feel like I have to eat every hour or I'll starve!  When I do eat, it was only certain foods.  Carbs of any kind I could eat and anything dairy.  I loved yogurt, ice cream, frozen yogurt, ice cream bars.. you name it and I wanted it!

How I feel when I haven't eaten for two hours...

I don't really like taking medication while pregnant, but this stuff is supposed to be 100% safe and if it keeps me from eating the entire fridge then I'm game! 

I was pretty happy that I hadn't gained any weight, but of course this week I gained 2lbs immediately and now I have a little belly showing!  I'm not concerned at all, gaining 2 lbs actually puts me right on par for weight gain.  I think it's normal to gain 1-5 lbs in the first trimester.

I've been craving fruit like crazy.  Dan surprised me with this snack one afternoon!  I had no idea he knew how to do that with apples!  He is an apple wizard!

Now I'm able to sit at the computer for much longer than I could even a month ago, so I'm hoping I'll be posting more often.  I'm still battling morning sickness and I'm still unable to exercise, and of course I can't lose weight so of course this makes a weight loss blog kinda lame!

What I hope to do is still get out healthier recipes, and to talk about fitness when I can during pregnancy and such.  I just need to start feeling better and get my head wrapped around all of this!

So far I have learned something about pregnancy.  It's very very easy to feel okay eating bad food.  Very early on when you have morning sickness it's really easy to eat carbs and salty foods, and it's easy to keep that going.  I did not want to eat a single vegetable!  I wanted to vomit at the thought of steamed broccoli! I have learned that I have to keep the fridge bursting with fresh foods, especially fruits since they're easiest for me to eat right now.  I find when my fridge and cupboards get bare, it's easy to open a box of crackers and eat crackers and cheese or just bread instead of something that could be more nutritious.  Dan has been coming home almost every day from work with new groceries!

Some more great news! My Mom is taking me baby shopping on Monday!  We're going window shopping and she's going to tell me what's what since I'm a pretty big baby newb.  She asked me what kind of bottles I wanted to use, and I said, "there are different kinds?"  Yes, my Mom never stops being a Mom.  Even when her kid becomes one!

After window shopping she is taking me to Micheals to pick out yarn so I can start crocheting a baby blanket.  I'm pretty slow at crocheting so I'm getting a start now.

I think I felt a lot of dread about this pregnancy until I had my OB appointment.  After my doctor told me to, "enjoy it while it lasts" I just waited for the end.  I hoped that if I was going to have a miscarriage that I had it soon, because I figured the earlier it was the easier it would be.  Now that I saw the baby jump around I'm much more excited and less scared!  I find myself looking at patterns on Pinterest, and looking at different furniture to put into the nursery.  I'm ready to pack up one of our offices and to start decorating already!

I have to keep one thing in mind.  As much as I hate morning sickness, cravings and food aversions.. it means that we have created something wonderful.  I mean, I never thought I would have a baby.  I convinced myself it was impossible. I figured that if I convinced myself that it was impossible, that when I didn't get pregnant I wouldn't be hurt.  I'm not saying this is a miracle baby, but I'm still in absolute shock.  Shock isn't even a big enough word.